When you loose someone to suicide you have so many questions. At the time My inner being needed to know and understand his thought process.
I am reminded of the card my Auntie Marilyn gave me when my brother died. It was a poem called the plan of the master weaver. I can recite this poem from memory. When I first read it, I was drawn to it. 25 years later, I have relied on this poem for peace and strength many times.
While we walk each other home, we are often too busy doing life to see the walk. For anything to happen in this life for us, a number of things have to be happening for other people too. Timing is everything and I don’t think we are in control of it. Maybe it’s God, maybe it’s energy, or just maybe your path is the one you chose for yourself before arriving here on this earth.
In my family There is a shift. A change of roles. My brothers death has shattered my parents. It has shattered me too, but I am capable of piecing us back together. They are not. I now become the worrier, the checker, the caregiver. My dad continues to make soup, my mom continues to work and I begin to parent my parents because everyone in our world is too broken. It’s the role I needed then, if it wasn’t then it wouldn’t have been mine. It kept me focused and moving forward.
When I say we are walking each other home, it is happening constantly if you take the time to see it. People and information come to you but you may not even see them or hear the information until you are ready to. Recently a friend shares with me that she has a difficult relationship with her mom. My friend has lost a sibling too, her mom has lost a child.
As my friend shares these feelings with me, I think of my own mother and all kinds of memories flash back to me of my life after my brothers death with my mom and I say this…….
Moms who loose children, they carry a different kind of hate for the living and I think they always feel like they are underwater. Like they are drowning and living at the same time. It changes who they were.
Walking Home 