It has been nearly 24 years since my dad died. Seems like a full lifetime ago. Yesterday a customer at work saw my name plate and asked me if I was Victor’s daughter. Yes! Yes I am. Thank you Susan for remembering him.
It is hard to put into words how it feels to loose a parent.
It’s hard because….. it’s hard.
My dad, he was my person. I’m a tough one to get to know and he knew me best.
I attended post secondary in Moose Jaw. My first year when I would come home for a visit, I would have a tough time leaving. Anxiety at the max level and after packing up my car I would often sit in it and cry. My dad would pop in the passenger seat and sit with me until I had settled down and was ready to hit the road. No words said, just time spent and it made me feel better.
A large portion of my strength to do “day to day things” came from my dad. I was 24 when he passed. And yes I know that is a “full on” adult. I also know that day to day things were very hard when he was gone.
It’s hard…. because it’s final.
After my brother passed, dad called me everyday. And yes it would sometimes get on the annoying side and yes I was not always patient. This is because I had not worn his shoes and at 24, I was a bit self centred.
Each time he called I would always ask “what are you doing?” To which he would always reply “talking to you” 😂 every single time. One day he brought over a little yellow Smiley face sticker 🙂 and placed it on the handset of my landline phone. When I asked what it was for – he said so I would remember to be happy rather than miserable when I answered the phone. Ok point taken. Thanks Dad.
It’s hard because…. you don’t get those chats ever again.
The day of the sticker – it seemed so insignificant at the time.
Times like the day of the sticker is what I mean when I say he was part of my “day to day”. You know I think of that smiley face sticker to this day before I answer a call.
It’s hard….. because it’s permanent.
How do you life without your parent? I know people do it, I don’t think people like to talk about how hard it is. When I get a little lost, I still look for that guidance. And when the day is quiet I can find it. It comes to me in thought, or in words from someone who reaches out. It’s funny how that works. Thanks Dad.
The last time I saw my dad, I had been walking by my parents house and stopped to say goodnight. He came outside to see Teigan and I and told me I better get that baby home cause it was too damp to be out with her. Ok point taken. Thanks Dad.
My heart says to remind you that you don’t ever know what tomorrow will bring. So make today count. But I also know you can not fully comprehend what I mean if you haven’t lost a parent.
Its hard because…. at times you are so overwhelmed you aren’t functioning well.
I think maybe for a time, sadness becomes a place to go when you want to tap into those memories and feelings of loosing your parent.
It’s hard because… because you are grieving the parent you lost but also grieving the future and what may have been.
I wonder often what life would have been like if he didn’t die. My girls grew up not knowing him at all and really kinda just sucks. Someone so significant to me that they will only “know” in small pieces through their genetics. Teigan has some of his facial features and Makenna has his twinkly eyes and so much of his sass.
It’s hard because…… I know that it is what it is and that if it could have happened any other way, it would have.
Walking Home 