Unpacking

I came across an interesting short read this week and I wanted to share it with you.

Anger is suppressed grief

Overreacting is suppressed grief

Irritability is suppressed grief

Hypersensitive and being on high alert and always preparing for the worst is suppressed grief

Grief is a necessary process for any trauma or loss that happened to you. It is not just reserved for death of someone close to you.

I’ve been preparing for the worst since 1996 when my brother committed suicide. I mean I have had my running shoes near since then just in case I gotta get going to save someone or fix something or prevent an earthquake. That’s just too long to be trying to control every outcome of everything so it isn’t “the worst”. I’m tired and guess what? I’m not prepared for the worst or the best, I have just invested a huge amount of energy and time into anxiety. It has made me a little crazy.

Unresolved grief is cumulative and cumulatively negative, It seeps into all the parts of our well-being and it affects every relationship you have. It has a long term unhealthy impact on your capacity for happiness.

I have been so busy being busy for 25 years and distracting myself from my own self, I have theoretically boxed all my grief up and put it in the closet to deal with another day. I didn’t even realize I had done this because I didn’t know any different. I was just surviving.

I made choices in my life without even realizing it – to surround myself with people who would take care of all my decisions. People with strong personalities that then allowed me to be a follower. I would eat what someone else liked to eat, drink what someone else liked to drink, go where someone else wanted to go, like who someone else liked. I hid behind them.

I didn’t have to unbox the grief if everyone around me wasn’t supportive in seeing that ugly truth and emotion unpack. And during this time I lost who I was but it was easier to do this than to be who I was – the girl who’s brother committed suicide and then the girl who’s dad died and then her mom too. Cause who even was that girl? I didn’t know her either.

I “ran” from grieving the loss of my brother because I wasn’t in a space where it was accepted to just grieve and “be”. I was rushed through it and there were expectations to return to normal and I wasn’t ready. And I just kept this same pattern throughout any trauma that came in my path.

I knew every time that I wasn’t ready. It can be difficult to stand up for yourself and tell people what you need because you don’t really know what that is. For me it was just easier to do what I perceived to be expected from those around me.

Act ok and you’ll be ok. It’s not true, because grief waits for you.

I had a friend write to me after one of my blog entries. Her words were so raw and truthful so I want to share some of them with you.

“Society doesn’t let us grieve the way we need to – just being, feeling, in the moment, feeling all of the raw emotion and being able to express it without feeling shame or guilt that our own expression will somehow make someone else feel something they shouldn’t, as if they hadn’t felt it all along. Society wants us to put it on full display, but appropriate, for everyone at the funeral but when that’s over, it’s over. Push it down, everything goes back to normal now. You go back to work, you look after your children, you get the groceries and drive the car, but if you have to feel, you cry alone in the shower so you don’t burden anyone else.”

When I received this message, I felt great love for her and then my thoughts said – so it’s not just me, what I’m feeling and learning is normal. It’s time to normalize the process for everyone.

It is ok not to be ok at anytime.

You might not have to clean out that closet where you put your box of grief today or tomorrow or in 5 years, but the day does when you have to unpack it. It waits for you.

When you are in a safe space that allows you to be yourself, even when you don’t know who that is, your messy box of grief will unpack however it is meant to unpack. I am in that space now, where I can just “be” and I can figure out what kind of coffee I like and what kind of wine tastes best to me and I can love just being at home. I can cry all day if that’s what I need on any day.

I am learning to feel and let your emotions process when they want to. Every tear you pushed down will come out when you let it and it heals you each time.

There is no rush to get back to a “normal” life following any type of loss. We have a longing for things to feel as they did before the loss and so does everyone around us.

What if we just let ourselves grieve? Feel the feelings, sit with them and let them do their thing and let that be a good part of us. Sit with your loss, understand why it hurts and why it matters. Let the magnitude of the loss to you decide how long the timeline will be for you to heal.

Trauma creates change you don’t choose. I think healing is about creating the change you do choose.