I started to write this entry two years ago.
Anxiety. She’s a bully and it’s taken sometime to put her in her place so I can talk about it.
Struggle is good. It is a catalyst for a change to overcome something.
We don’t like struggle, it is a source of discomfort.
A big life struggle for me has been anxiety. I can not say I have completely overcome it. But I definitely have learned many tools to relieve it and recognize it.
I did not know what anxiety was until a series of events that I refer to as the struggle came my way. When it was in red alert for me I was a million feelings, the biggest one being scared and it was total chaos.
This is my story.
In the spring of 2006 I found out I was pregnant with my 3rd child. It was a surprise and it was definitely unplanned. To be honest, I didn’t even want another child.
My life plate was so full. My daughters were 4 and 8. I had just purchased my first brand new car – a car that now should have been a mini van because now we weren’t going to fit in a car. Our family had just purchased a cabin because our kids were old enough to enjoy the lake life and now I feel like I had ruined that too. We were leaving for a trip to Disneyland in a week. I am in a marriage that is not in a place to be easily raising another child. I am parenting my mom. My girls are doing their first dance duet and right after Disneyland we are travelling for competitions. And I have what feels like a zillion tax returns to complete.
When I type this list, I find myself holding my breath. I can also see now that this list of what I remember being “problems” could have been easily overcome, reduced or deadheaded but the brain I was operating in 2006 couldn’t see it. Anxiety will do this to you, run your mind like a 24hr marathon.
A month or so later at a doctors appointment we find out the baby has no heart beat.
I was not prepared for the sadness my body would have following this news. And how this life event would trigger a storm in me like I had never experienced before.
The body keeps the score. I didn’t listen to it.
I kept on swimming and being busy and getting through the days.
Prior to this moment in time, I already had an anxiety disorder or whatever words you want to call it. I didn’t know it. I was a super high functioning human. When I think of this moment in time, the maybe the miscarriage was a catalyst, a tipping point, a moment in time that lead to so many scary things but also in time lead me to a place to get help and get educated.
My body got so sad it didn’t want to work. My heart had pain, my legs were heavy, I couldn’t concentrate, I cried all the time. I don’t remember my mind overthinking in this time, it was somewhat frozen like my body. I was very disassociated, watching the world from outside of myself. I remember my mom asking me – how are you? And I would answer – I don’t know. That is the way to tell your mother you are unwell? The more I sat because I couldn’t muster, the more my brain worried in a catastrophic way about every little thing my body was feeling.
This period of time lasted over 2 years. I didn’t have a handle on it. It got a lot worse before it got better. The anxiety turned into a full panic disorder. Heart racing, pretty sure I was going to die at any minute, dizziness, hard to breathe, disassociation, insomnia. I just did not feel ok. I was unwell.
I had a headache lasted the entire time. Every day. No pain relief medication would help it.
I doctored, and each doctor told me I needed rest, that I had too much stress. Which I did not believe. I felt so terrible! I must have a deadly disease! The fear I had I can not even describe it.
I was alone with my children a lot and I was terrified that I was going to just drop dead and they would be crying over their dead moms body. I would run scenarios of this each time I was alone with them. Running scenarios is a way for the brain to feel like it is control of what is happening, but it allows for no rest and repair.
I was obstinate with the doctors. I had heart tests and ct scans and blood work. I was prescribed antidepressants. I went to fill the Rx and the pharmacist told me that the Rx was difficult to get off of and I would likely become dependent for life on it. So I had anxiety over that and decided not to take them.
The last time I went to see my doctor about how I was feeling, she was stubborn back with me and her emotion was elevated – she was frustrated and said – “well what do you want me to do for you? There is nothing wrong with you.”
The fuck you say? How can that be? There is something wrong with me, I am not a functioning human. I don’t feel ok.
A panic attack
I am hot and tingly in my abdomen.
It rises all the way up to my head, slowly
It is suffocating
I can’t catch my breath. I can feel my heart beating so fast.
Am I going to die right here? Now? I’m not ready. This is death.
I need to run. I need to find a space where no one can see me. Where is the bathroom?
I get really light headed and dizzy
Grab the counter!
Sit down
No that’s not working
lay down
Close you eyes and breathe
and if it is a good day, this only happens once. If it’s a bad day – it’s on repeat.
I was a full on adult, responsible for two tiny humans. When you are being raised by someone in flight or fight, I think you learn quickly to be independent.
Somewhere inside I found courage in chaos. I accepted that if your body is not sick, your mind is. So I dived into counselling and reading. I read every book and did every workbook I could on panic.
Slow the mind down and the body will follow.
I found the world of hypnosis. I faithfully did a hypnosis track and rested for 2 hours every afternoon and I walked 2-4 km every evening for 2 years.
Slow down. Be patient. Love yourself. Use the tools you learn.
This was almost 20 years ago. Mental health awareness and treatment has advanced so much. The internet has allowed us outreach to so many areas for help.
What a ride that period of time was for me – like a death drop in an elevator and you are screaming but no one can hear you. The symptoms of panic still surface at times, but I can recognize them now and realize that I’m into something too deep, my stress is too high and I need to take care of it. It is a true gift to be able to have tools to use to calm the nervous system down. I am grateful.
Anxiety and Panic they are often hidden to the public eye or even the private one. You look normal on the outside even though you definitely don’t feel normal.
We can do hard things.
This struggle changed me. It turned me into a version of myself that I didn’t know yet. I am thankful for that.
Walking Home 