Walking Home

We are here on earth, just walking each other home. This gives me peace, when I can find the quiet to let it sink in.

Today it is 25 years since my brother Kevin took his own life. I can find peace when I remember we are all here walking each other home. The 25 years tho, it seems like yesterday. I imagine this is how it is for everyone who looses someone close to them. We are all stuck in a weird time warp with loss.

This day 25 years ago never leaves the subconscious. It’s Saturday today, I had a great sleep and woke up ready to tackle projects and weekend it up! But – there was this level of irritation that is indescribable, there was a fight back of tears and a great need to be alone. I was thinking – well this is next level, maybe it is the weather because the clouds are low today and it feels really closed in. The clouds feel like they are sitting right on me. Turns out it August 28, the anniversary of my brothers death, so this explains my insanity but certainly doesn’t solve it.

So lets step back in time to 1996. It’s a big step. This is a regular work day, same old routine. I am newly married, almost a year. I am in a meeting with my boss, trying to plan a buy in to her business for myself. I’m excited to start new chapters and feeling on top of the world. My cell phone rings and it is my momma. She is calm but the energy is gloomy. She asks me if I know where my brothers health card is…… I’m annoyed but also I can feel something is not right. Thinking back in time…. this is odd that my mother would call me asking about this, because my mom was the most organized person on this planet, so she must have been in high panic but didn’t let on. I ask her why she needs it and she says calmly that his girlfriend found him at her apartment and she thought he was not breathing so she needed to call an ambulance.

I leave my meeting and get to my parents home as quick as I can. I do not think I even breathed. There was a feeling of dread and heaviness, similar to how the clouds made me feel today. When I get to my parents, they are not in panic. My mom tells me the ambulance is picking him up, that he was not breathing and that his girlfriend thinks he was choking on his own vomit. I still do not hear the seriousness of this. My mom, she knows but she doesn’t say the words. I turn into Pattie care mode and I tell my parents, we should drive to the city where my brother is. It is 10pm and he lives 2 hours from us. We need to go, get in the truck and I will drive you. Of course the truck needs gas…. so we stop at the gas station and fuel up and my dad goes in to pay.

My mom gets a call from a doctor at City Hospital, he tells her my brother has passed. I am in straight shock. My dad comes back to the truck, opens the passenger door and I tell him – the hospital called and Kevin has died. He places his hands on the truck seat and tries to catch his breath before he climbs in. I do not know what to do. I ask if we should go home…. my dad say no – we need to go to Kevin. So I drive and drive and drive for what seem like forever while my mom makes funeral plans for her baby.

We arrive at city hospital and a Dr Peter comes out to meet us. He expresses condolences and asks if my brother had a history of depression. We all answered – yes. The Dr asks us if we want to see him, and leads us to this room of drawers, where he pulls out a drawer and my brother is laying there peaceful. My brother at 21 has taken his own life, His journey is over. We hug each other and we are broken. We walked him home. But now we have to move forward as 3 and we have no idea how hard the road ahead will be as we start a new path to walk each other home.