You don’t understand

That last summer, the 3 of us sat together in one of the common area rooms at City Hospital making small talk about our day. It was a beautiful day outside and my dad wasn’t allowed to leave the floor so we sat in here instead.

My brother had told us he was working at the golf dome picking up golf balls and at a shell station. My dad was talking about trying to break out of the hospital and how he would likely bleed to death from a cut finger because his warfarin wasn’t yet regulated.

The colors that flash to me when I think of this day – white, red, green.

My brother asks me for money… again. And I ask him when he will get his first paycheque from his next job. He says he doesn’t know, and I respond why? He says “you don’t understand. “

When I think of this moment – I see no light and no sun, only darkness. I make good eye contact and I say harshly “No it’s you who doesn’t understand”

The tone is set. The color black.

I was upset with him because I was overwhelmed. Dad was sick, mom had to work to pay their bills, and I took as many days off as I could to be in the hospital with dad because his anxiety about dying and being in there sick was acute.

Depression can take many faces. And for those who aren’t in it, it can be difficult to see it. A person who has depression is often seen as lazy, unwilling, entitled and maybe even selfish to the outside eyes this disease has not reached. In children the disease can be seen as bad or rebellious behaviour. An adult in a low can say they don’t want to go somewhere or rnr your message and it is accepted. A child doesn’t even know why they don’t want to go to school or to their aunties house. They just know their body doesn’t want to, their body can feel heavy and just unable to be moved easily by them.

Mental illness is difficult for the family and it can be frustrating and down right exhausting. Imagine tho for a minute what it is like in that persons eyes.

It is hard for the two eyes to see each other because what’s in the two minds is not the same. You can get there though by building trust and listening.

I thought my brother didn’t understand that our load was heavy and he needed to do his part to help, to get a job and at least look after himself.

In 1996 it turns out it was me who didn’t understand.