Guilt

Sometimes a song just hits you. Your whole self can connect to it when you hear it for the first time.

There was a song released a couple years ago. Before you go by Lewis Capaldi. The song is about the aftermath of suicide, including how you can feel responsible for the death.

When I heard it the first time, it sent waves of emotion through me. My body knew what it was about even though my mind didn’t know the words.

“Now that you are gone all I hear are the words that’s I needed to say.

When you hurt under the surface like troubled water running cold

Time can heal but this won’t.

So before you go, was there something I could have said to make your heart beat better?

If only I had known you had a storm to weather.”

You should give the song a listen if you haven’t heard it. It is pain and healing wrapped into one.

Suicide survivors guilt (for lack of a better term)

This is a huge one. You ask yourself hard questions when you loose someone close to you to suicide.

Why didn’t I see the signs? Or Did I see the signs? Could I have prevented this ending or rerouted it somehow?

Loss by suicide is its own mental burden. Each memory you have, you question it. Was he really happy in that picture? Was he really good? Did he really enjoy sports? What was real about him and what was a performance? Who was he?

At times I thought he was selfish for doing this to us. Then I had guilt about thinking that.

My mom said “well at least he didn’t have a wife and children that have to suffer loosing him too”. I sided with her on this one. Then I had guilt about feeling good that he didn’t have anyone but us to suffer his loss.

At times I was so angry with him. I hated him and I hated how I felt because of his choice, because of him. I hated that I was now care taking for my parents. Then I had guilt about being angry.

A memory of driving with my dad pops up. We are talking about the loss of another young man close to us who was in a car accident. We talk about blame and hate for the person who caused that accident and about that heavy burden. Then I tell my dad that we don’t have anyone to hate or blame except for Kevin and in time we will see this as a blessing. I don’t really believe my words at the time, but they are the words he needed to hear. Then I have guilt for telling untruths even if they were meant to be of help.

Everyones greif journey is different.

For a very long time, I had extreme guilt for having happiness. Specifically true happiness in my parents presence.

Survivors guilt steals your joy. I could feel happiness but then had immediate shame for feeling it. So I learned to tuck it away for a long time.

As I write for you and for me, my thoughts drift to people who may be going through this right now. You are in hell, but you are not alone. Reach out when you can and you will find the right ears to hear you.

Survivors guilt has made me who I am today. You can overcome it or repurpose it with time but I don’t think it ever goes fully away. It changes who you were.

My guilt has given me sensitivity and the ability to feel extreme compassion for others. I didn’t just wake up and decide this for myself one day. It happened slowly over time, as I emptied the survivors guilt bucket and left room for something else to enter.