Spot at the table

The spot. A claim of ownership of space. So you know it will always be there like a constant. A familiar space.

Growing up we each had our place. Dad and mom at the ends of the table, me at the back and my brother at the front. This was our normal before life got busy with evening activities and we stopped eating together.

I was living on my own when my brother died. But the table at my parents always reminded of his spot.

When I had my own children, I did not allow anyone to claim a spot at the table, the couch or a special chair. Where you sat was your space until you got up, then it was free game. I never explained it, it was what it was.

The girls probably had a favorite spot, but they were used to this structure and never questioned it.

It is our normal.

On a first time play date a little one asks where his spot is at the table and I tell him he can sit wherever he wants. He thinks this is the coolest. I am taken back in time for a moment, remembering my family table growing up.

Why?

The spot holds a new meaning when someone from your family passes away.

Words pierce my ears – hey that’s my spot get out. The words turn to – that’s his spot, get out. It’s like a big empty space just showing you over and over that someone is missing.

The girls were not very old when we have friends over for supper. Their friend is sitting at the table and gets up. In time one of my girls takes that space. He comes back to the room and is visibly upset and says – she took my spot. To which I answer, we don’t have spots in our house.

Oh hi there crazy lady…….

Possibly. But you can’t understand when you haven’t worn the shoes.

Life comes inevitably with losing someone from your table at some point. You will feel the loss if they had their own spot at the table or not. For me it seemed a little less heavy to just miss someone and not focus on their spot each time I entered a room, whether it was empty or if someone else was in it.

To live a life protecting yourself from future pain and sadness is a common reaction of big loss. If I do this, then when it happens again it won’t feel so gross.

What I have learned is that whatever gets your feet to move forward is what you do.

Because these are your shoes now…. even if you don’t want them to be.